Is It Time To Dump That Loser This Valentine’s Day?
Written by Matthew C. Keegan // 02/09/2009 // Personal Advice // 14 Comments
Go ahead and admit it: that person in your life who has stolen your heart has taken more than he/she should have. For some reason you have kept them around too long, a person who just isn’t a right fit for you.
Well, one Professional Life Coach and Psychotherapist with a practice in both Pennsylvania and Florida, Alice Donavin, is very familiar with people who are caught up in “loser” relationships.
Ms. Donavin says, “The loser has character traits and behaviors that create emotional, social, sometimes even physical damage. As they’ve always lived with this personality, they often simply accept it as ‘the way they are’ and do not see a problem. In my years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, it has invariably and unfortunately been the victims of the loser whom I’ve treated. The men and women who arrive at the office severely depressed with their lives in turmoil. If only the losers themselves would recognize the problem and come in for help!”
But how can you identify a loser? There are definitive patterns and indicators. If the person you’re wondering about possesses even one of the following warning signs, there is risk in the relationship.
1. He or she says, “I love you” way too soon.
The loser is quick to attach and even quicker to express their devotion. In less than a few weeks of dating, you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life and they want to marry you. Showered with attention and nice gestures, you may be overwhelmed by this display of instant connection or commitment. They may in fact be the best thing that ever happened to you, but truly great, healthy relationships take time — at least more than a few weeks.
2. He or she wants you all to themselves… all the time.
The loser is determined to be your everything. Telling you that your supportive friends and/or family treat you badly, take advantage of you, don’t understand how special the love you two share is, the loser urges you to cut everyone else off. They’re jealous and threatened by anyone you’re close to, even your children! You must be available and account for your whereabouts 24/7. In short, the loser wants complete control.
3. He or she fails the waitress test.
The way an individual treats a server, clerk, or other neutral person, especially of the opposite sex, is the way they’ll eventually treat you. If they whine, complain, criticize, torment, or act like an arrogant jerk, you can count on receiving the same treatment down the line.
4. He or she has a super-scary temper.
The loser really loses it. They get mad easily, blow up, and do dangerous things like drive too fast, throw stuff, get into fights, or threaten others. Though the loser promptly assures you that they are not angry with you, but at others or the situation, you can be sure that their hostility and violence will eventually be directed at you.
5. He or she is a confidence assassin.
The loser repeatedly puts you down. Constantly correcting your slightest mistakes, they tell you you’re too fat, not very intelligent, have no taste, and always leave you with the feeling that you’re not quite good enough. This gradual chipping away at your self-esteem allows them to later treat you really badly and make you feel you deserve it.
6. He or she keeps you spinning.
The loser cycles from mean to sweet… and back again. One day is filled with hurtful criticism and verbal abuse. The next day they’re absolute darlings, apologizing for their recent “lousy mood” and doing all those lovely little things that first sucked you in. Even if you were resolved to get out, you hang in, believing that the sweetness is the big permanent change you’ve been hoping for. It’s not. The loser will be mean again and sooner rather than later.
7. He or she is a master of the blame game.
The loser never ever takes personal responsibility for their behavior. It’s always someone else’s fault — usually yours. You are the reason they yelled at you, treated you badly, or embarrassed you publicly. You’re the one making them drive 80 miles an hour or drink too much.
8. He or she has you walking on eggshells.
The loser invokes fear. If you find yourself afraid to bring up topics, question the loser’s behavior, or mention that you even spoke to another friend, you’re with a loser. And, you probably should be afraid.
*This article is based on a public service piece by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist titled “The Loser: Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser.”
Source:
Alice Donavin, LCSW
Email: alicedonavin@aol.com
Cell: 610.585.4028
Website: www.goaskalice.us
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14 Comments on "Is It Time To Dump That Loser This Valentine’s Day?"
I have never heard of the waitress test before today and I wish that I would have known that one long ago.
When you said to watch out for the “way an individual treats a server, clerk, or other neutral person, especially of the opposite sex” it really struck a chord with me. My ex was always so arrogant with restaurant servers (particularly male waiters) and then he would look at me and smile like I was in total agreement with him. I would always kind of think to myself “what a jerk” but “he has so many nice qualities.” The fact is he was a JERK!
Anyway, I’m single this year for Valentine’s Day which is okay by me!
Ali, I am glad that you learned what a clod this guy was before you gave away your heart to him.
I like the waitress test too — It has always bugged me when I’ve seen people condescend to those whose job it is to help us as if servers are somehow inferior to us. A good test, one that can be applied in business as well as in personal relationships.
Thank you for your comment!
Wow lots of good information. But actually I have to say that this made me sorry in this Valentine’s day:( Thinking about his treatments to the waitresses and driving too fast sometimes can make me identify him as a looser. I want to be happy and dont have enough patiance to start all over again. Don’t know what to do, I know he is a looser but I love him, don’ know what to do…
Anyways Happy Valentine’s Day!
Thank you for your honest comment Sarah. I find that some people have a need for someone even if they don’t particularly like them. Sometimes this person doesn’t like to be alone, can’t imagine themselves apart from that person, or thinks that this will be the only chance that they’ll have to find love in their life.
I’m not about to give you advice other than to say this: if he isn’t a match for you and you know it, do you think things will get better or worse down the line?
I hate Valentine’s Day! It’s a business for making money only.
Daily Newss last blog post..Bucking tradition, Clinton to head for Asia
I must say that I have some bias here, I’m a high school senior and I have not dated, ever. (Don’t feel bad about me, I choose not to for higher grades). This puts my opinion’s validity in question due to lack of experience.
The first thought that came to my mind was the following website: http://www.thatsnotcool.com/. So many people have difficulty talking to people they kiss. As the intro video on the site mentions, they “are not sure if [their actions] are because they like [the person] or if [they] think [they] can control [the person]”. Emotions are confusing, but I think this post can help cut through the clutter so one can see the truth. The website I linked has e-card relevant when a person is too controlling and tips to get out of the situation.
Second, I have observed a few relationships. My male friend dates this female free bird, she has an amazing and free spirit that could easily be crushed. I hope she doesn’t end up with a controlling jerk but, for now, she is dating my very kind and gentle friend. Their relationship is amazing, both of their parents know about it and are happy with it. So, they are in contact with their families and have no secrets. He still plays video games with us, she still goes to the clubs she loves. This girl loves hugging those in a bad mood and would always put a smile on people’s faces. A loser would not allow this and consider this “cheating”. She would be crushed by a jerk like the one described in your post. I’m sure most people start out like her, but are slowly crushed by those around them.
Third, I can fathom being in a relationship like this. It would get boring after awhile if a couple did the same activities and where always around each other. They would have very little to discuss or very little chance to grow. I must point out, do not let someone close to you make you feel as if they are the only person in the world who cares, they you will be stuck. I remember so many episodes of the show “Cops” where one partner continued a relationship even after calling the police many times. I hope all those who know these warning signs can avoid being a guest star on “Cops”
Very nice post! Keep up the blogging.
I had a typo in my comment. I meant to say “Third, I can’t fathom being in a relationship like this” I said “Third, I can fathom being in a relationship like this”
DrBursts last blog post..Creativity in Negative Times
I’ve met a person like the criteria above. At the first time, It’s still okay with me. I’m happy because he often say “i love you”. But, dont know, somehow, I understood that he is not the right person when his bad attitude slowly appears.
Finally, I didn’t go along again with him.
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