7 Reasons Why You Won’t Be Graduating This Year!

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Congratulations! You’ve applied yourself to your studies and after spending 4, 5, 7 years of your life working toward a degree, the end of the road is in sight. Soon, you’ll have your paper class clownin hand, allowing you to take your Animal Husbandry degree and see what kind of work that’ll fetch you.

No sooner than you say “eei eei o” do you realize that there are certain obstacles in your way, trouble that will keep you from finishing school this year, maybe even the next one. Yes, there are at least 7 8 reasons why you won’t be graduating from college this year, so don’t throw away your canteen meal ticket just yet:

1. Your college went bankrupt — Never mind the financial problems plaguing Lehman Brothers and forget Fannie Mae, as your for-profit school has been in the press lately and none of that news is encouraging. It seems that the owners of Online University have absconded with some funds, jeopardizing your education and forcing you to get in line behind tens of thousands of other creditors. Don’t count on getting a copy of your transcripts without first promising to refinance their debt!

2. You’re on a football scholarship — If you played football at Yale, Stanford, or Duke, you’d stand a chance of graduating on time. But, because you play at the University of Miami, you’ve been red-shirted and awarded an extra year of eligibility. Talk about a six year education plan Mr. 25 year-old gridiron guy!

3. You’ve been named a co-conspirator — That term paper mill you recommended to a fellow student has come back to bite you. Your school has named you as the “brains” behind the operation of the biggest plagiarism scandal since Madonna Constantine was caught red-handed at Columbia University. Too bad your education is at a school that really takes cheating seriously!

4. Your scholarship has been pulled — The Woman’s Club was all too happy to help underwrite your education until you criticized the club’s president by name on an internet chat room frequented by her daughter.

5. You transcripts are being held hostage by invading troops — That summer of studying abroad has backfired. Russian troops ransacked the University of Kurta in South Ossetia, walking away with important papers proving that you were ever there.

6. Extracurricular activities got in the way — You thought you could handle your “extracurricular activities” but quickly learned that your college wasn’t going to accept your American Idol tryout in lieu of attending class last winter.

7. You ran out of money — You budgeted carefully for 3 1/2 years but went wild in your final semester. Too bad you spent all your money on beer and pizza and can’t raise the $75 to pay your graduation filing fee.

And a bonus: You’ve partied so much over the past six years that your school is no longer mentioned among the academic elite, rather you’ve single-handedly put the school on everyone’s Top Party School list!


Adv. — Have you set up a 529 College Savings Plan for your child yet? If not, you’ll want to do so today. Read about college savings plans, college scholarships, grant money, and other financial aid options available to help cover current and future college costs. Start early and you can save big; ensure that your children have everything they need to succeed in life.

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